Admitting

This blog has been really useful for me in a variety of ways. It has allowed me to explore different aspects of firefighting, and I feel as if I have learned much from researching and writing for this blog as well. It has made me excited to get back into firefighting, full time so to speak, once I graduate college and move back home.

But the other day I realized I was actually terrified.

This semester has been an interesting challenge for me, and I have not gotten to go home as much as I have the past couple years, or when I was home it was for specific reasons. All in all, I haven't been to the station very often. I've had a lot going on with my family, and they know that (seeing as my dad and two brothers also belong haha). But with the way my schedule has been, I have not been able to work out as much as I would like, and a hospital visit/injury pushed back my strength and conditioning workouts. For the past year, I have been using lifting (heavy lifting that I never thought I would do, not only has it been great for working out, it's also a confidence booster-if you can think it, you can do it) to keep in shape while I am at school, since I'm not home training, pulling lines, packing up, throwing ladders, or anything else that we do in the fire service.

This has made me very antsy. There is nothing more that I want other than to be a good firefighter. I want to learn. A year ago, if someone would have told me I'd be a Firefighter I, I probably would have laughed-I didn't think I could do it. I truly did not believe I could do it. But I did. And that got some type of fire burning, and I want to keep doing it, I want to keep training and obtaining certifications, I want to be the best firefighter I can possibly be. I'm just afraid I'm a little behind now.

I've been reading lately about female firefighters getting extra chances at fitness tests. First, forced diversity never works well for anyone. Second, special treatment makes the minorities who can do the job have a more difficult time. Third, can't we all just be viewed as people? Four, I don't want to be that liability. Nothing scares me more than being *that* person. *That* person is being the one who can't hold my own, being a liability. Failing. You can't fail, you can't falter in this job. You have to be the best you can be. Combat ready.

In some ways, going to college might have made it more difficult for me to develop as a firefighter, having it going in and out of my life because I've been away. But now I am hoping that with my life is settling down, health is back, and I am ALMOST done with all of my crazy projects, I can put fitness back in my life.

I want to learn. I want to be stronger.

This may be rambling, but I am concerned. Nothing but the best is acceptable. And I am looking forward to taking my Thanksgiving and Winter breaks to spend plenty of time at the fire house.

Stay safe.